Mamas*Little*Treasures

Should I continue to pretend or tell the truth?

 "A sentence from Psalm 101 has been both challenging and convicting for me: 'I will walk in my house with blameless heart' (Psalm 101:2, NIV). When God speaks to me about being more loving, this verse reminds me to make application in my family first -- and then to others. It forces me to ask, 'Am I more spiritual, more loving, or more fun somewhere else? Who gets my best -- my family or others?"

~Jean Fleming from "A Mother's Heart: A Look at Values, Vision and Character for the Christian Mother"

This is a question that I have pondered over the years, and quite honestly, I have agonized over this idea of whether or not I am "fun" with my family. It is not uncommon in my weekly IOW posts to take a bit different approach to the given quote for our consideration. And this week I guess will be no different. But before I share my thoughts on this particular quote, let me explain some of the reasons that I don't always see things the way many regular Christian girls do. ;o)  I trust you will understand why I sometimes seem to come to our weekly task from "around the corner," or from a different slant than you will probably hear in your average Christian conversation.

Some of you know that I spent many, many years trying to figure out why MY home, MY family, MY marriage just didn't quite "measure up" to what I was observing around me in my church family. And so, when life in my little world was topsy-turvy and completely confusing, I assumed that it was because I was doing something I shouldn't be doing . . . . or not doing something that I should have been doing . . . . or I wasn't "nice" enough to my children, or I wasn't "fun" enough to keep up with the incessant demand in our home for "excitement," "adventure," and an every-increasing expectation that life should be "fun."

So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed . . . . for many, many years . . . . asking God to change me, to make me a "good" mommy, a better wife, a happier Christian. But no matter how much I prayed, or how much I determined to be "more spiritual, more loving, or more fun," I just never could quite reach that elusive goal. Every day, every week, every month, every year I struggled to understand how I could be so incapable of "getting it right." And every time I would hear one more sermon about how the mother is responsible for setting the "tone" in the home; she (apparently alone) is responsible to create a loving, nurturing, spiritual, happy home where her family is cheerfully growing in God's grace . . . . I would sink into an even deeper abyss of hopelessness.

Maybe it was because I didn't spend enough time in my daily devotions. Maybe it was because I had gained a few pounds from giving birth to four beautiful babies. Maybe it was because I believed that we should do things together as a family, and that idea was really annoying to those people who were my family at the time. Maybe it was because I worked so hard to be there for my children when they got home from school, to sit down and read with them, and then help them with their homework. My biggest failure in those days, however, was that I was continually pleading with my family to have dinner together, all at the same time, all at the same table. And I even expected that we should try to eat healthy foods, and treat each other with respect.

After years of being humiliated and criticized for trying to incorporate into our lives many of the principles that were being taught from the pulpit, from women's seminars, from Christian books, and from Christian radio programs . . . . . I just gave up. I quit. Because I couldn't understand why, in this family, all of those things that were being taught as "good" where condemned as preventing my family from having "fun." And of course, I failed. Miserably. Because after years of this, I really wasn't fun, or loving, or spiritual. I was broken and angry.

I recall one day, standing in my kitchen with a broom in hand (as I attempted to clean my house, which was also deemed "not fun" so I guess I had better just do it myself, and not EVER dare to ask for help), I was listening to a well-known Christian radio broadcast on the little radio I kept on the kitchen counter. When I heard the woman who was being interviewed claim that "a woman who does not create an atmosphere of joy, happiness, spirituality, and loving kindness in her home, really does not love her family and she does not love the Lord." I was done. The end. I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen and wept, begging God to tell me how I had failed so miserably. How could one woman, who so desperately wanted to honor God and raise her children to love the Lord, could be such a worthless example of Christian womanhood? What? What? What do you want me to do? I begged God to just show me what ELSE I could do. And the answer was silence.

Because, I discovered later, there was no way that I could overcome the powerful influence that had convinced my children that mommies are supposed to be "nice" and "fun" and NEVER, EVER address their children's behavior. A good mommy is just supposed to smile and say "Isn't that nice"  ;o) no matter what her children or husband say or do to her. I learned that lesson very well! And for years, the silent smiles of pretense hid the growing rage that burned within my heart. Until, one day, it was just over. It was just over.

Now I know that not only must a mother be spiritual, loving, and kind, it is simply not possible for a mother to be "fun" at all cost. I am not my children's best friend, I am their mother. And sometimes that means being the boss, making decisions that may not be popular, and teaching my children to do the right thing. Even when they don't want to. That is the life lesson that all of this taught me: just do the right thing. Even if no one around you recognizes it, appreciates it, or even if they try to destroy you because of it. Do the right thing.

Now, when I am seeking God's guidance, I know that He will lead me if I just do the next thing in front of me. Step by step He will show me the path, and in the absence of a dysfunctional environment I have discovered that it is not that difficult to be spiritual, loving, and yes, even "fun." Because I am now free to be what a truly "good" mommy ought to be . . . . the mother of my children, not the convenient place to dump the guilt and blame for everything that isn't "perfect" in the world. I have learned that all the "junk" in the world is not because I wasn't "fun" enough. It is a result of sin, and every one of us needs to deal with the sin in our lives through the grace of God and by seeking His forgiveness.

So . . . . I've revealed a great deal about my own life in this post. That is because of another lesson I've learned while stumbling through the fires of failure: Talking about the problem is NOT the problem - THE PROBLEM is the problem. And if we never talk about it, we can never sort it out and solve it. But now you perhaps have a better idea of why my posts tend to push the edges a  bit. I hope you do not take offense, and I apologize if you do, but trust me on this one . . . . pretense and silence never fix anything. In my life now, I am safe and loved, and free to be the kind of mommy that I always wanted to be. God is truly good!

Please visit our hostess this week, Loni at Writing Canvas, where you will find links to the other IOW participants for this week. Then, leave your link so we can visit you!

It's a "Martha" kind of day here in Mamaville

"Martha was busy for Jesus, and that left her too busy to be with Jesus."

~  John Walker,   Growing with Purpose: Connecting with God Every Day 

 

This story has always been so intriguing to me . . . . and it makes so much sense, when you think about how we can and should have our relationship with the Lord as our primary focus.  I have often thought about this while running around like a beheaded chicken, trying to make sure that the laundry is finished, the house isn't totally trashed, the kids get to school on time (or even earlier in my life, making sure that the babies are fed, bathed, clothed, rocked, cuddled, played with, and safely sleeping in their crib with clean sheets and a dry diaper) -  and paying the bills, cooking supper, helping out at school, teaching Sunday School class, leading a women's Bible study, teaching my children manners and responsibility, car pooling the kids to lessons and athletic practice, occasionally taking a shower and putting on clean clothes, dropping off the dry-cleaning, doing the banking, taking kids to the dentist, doctor, orthodontist, or for a hair cut.  OK, I guess that's enough reminiscing, it's making me tired.

But, maybe that's the reason I definitely have ambivalent feelings about this story.  And perhaps I should not even go there today, but I'll try to do so with as much gentleness and honesty as I can possibly gather up, in my current state of exhaustion.  Of course, this is a wonderful story and an excellent example of how we should all try to remember and practice the MOST important aspect of our life:  our relationship with God.  However, (I speak with great fear and trepidation . . . . ) I've been a Christian, a mom, a wife, a mother, a WOMAN long enough to know, that . . .. . well, here goes . .. . taking care of others and meeting their needs is one of the tasks in life that we, as women, do very well.  And in many homes, we have chosen to devote our life to those tasks that do, in fact, take a great deal of time, energy, and focus.  So, that is why, I believe, that this is such a difficult thing for us to implement in our lives.  Not because we don't want to . . . . but I've frequently been torn between dealing with a sick, crying child at 3:00 a.m. and then also having enough time and energy to devote to quietly listening to the voice of God in the silence of my little corner of the world.  Because it is rarely silent. 

I guess what I'm saying is that this is definitely a worthy goal for our lives as women.  But I also notice that it is usually a man who makes this observation and suggests that we, as women, ought to figure out how to do it.   And I also am very well aware of how we wrestle with guilt when we can't "do it all."  Including all of the above-mentioned responsibilities, and more, and STILL be able to sit at the feet of Jesus.  I'm still trying, believe me, but I believe that the tasks that God has given me, in caring for my family, IS being with Jesus.  Even though it is seldom quiet.  He is there, even in the midst of the crazyness that is "Life as a Mother."  I'm trying to be like Mary, but most days I need to be encouraged in my "Martha" job that God has given me.  After all, someone has to take care of all that stuff!

Since I"ve been doing this for a pretty long time, I've finally reached a place of peace with this whole issue.  When I am living in obedience to God, I'm sure that He will provide the time I need to be WITH Him, even while I am living out my daily calling as a wife and mother.  It's not about guilt.  I believe it is about valuing that relationship with the Lord, even if mine sometimes looks a bit more like Martha than Mary.  But I'll keep working on it, and one day, when the babies are all grown-up and there is silence in my home, I know I will then have all the time I need to be with Jesus . . .. not just flying from one activity to another, taking care of those pesky little responsibilities that He gave me called "children," while mumbling my morning prayers behind the steering wheel of my car on the way to the post office . . . . . to pay the bills. 

 

Please visit Debbie at Heart Choices to find the links to the rest of this week's IOW participants, and please join us by sharing your thoughts on this intriguing quote. 

 

 

Monday Morning Door of Opportunity

  There's just something about Monday morning that is very different from the rest of the week.  It is even different from Monday afternoon or Monday night.  It always feels like a brand-new beginning.  And it is wonderful to have that opportunity for new beginnings every single week!  I know that for many of us, the first of every new year brings a renewed sense of energy and optimism.  But I really need that chance to start all over again more than just once a year!  That's because I typically have so many goals for each day and each week, and I work so diligently to achieve my self-imposed expectations, that I rarely succeed.  Now, that is an issue that I struggle with constantly. But as a mom who has talked to lots of other moms, I know that I am not alone in this "expectation trap." 

Just the other day I was chatting with a friend who was expressing her feelings of guilt, frustration, sadness, and exhaustion as she attempted to figure out what she was doing "wrong" as a mother.  Sometimes she didn't say the right words, or she was too tired to cope with an argumentative teen-ager, or she felt that perhaps there should have been something, anything, that she could have done differently that would have made everything "right."  The guilt that we moms carry around in our pockets and in our hearts is enough to choke the proverbial horse!  Of course, when we are wrong . . . . we are wrong.  And when a mom makes a mistake, she should have the courage and the integrity to own up to it, admit it, and ask forgiveness.  But something that most of us moms completely lose sight of is the fact that, NO, mothers are NOT responsible for every thing that goes wrong in the world!

But just remember, that is exactly what our kids will try to tell us because they are kids.  Life is so much easier when we have someone to blame.  And mom is always the easiest target for all of that dumping of guilt.  Partly because we are so willing to take it and try to fix it.  But I guess I've lived long enough, and been a mom long enough, to know that we need to teach our children how to have the integrity and courage to own their own "junk."  So, if I did it, I'm responsible.  But if someone else "did it," then they need to take responsibility for it . . . . . whatever "it" is.  It's just way too easy to blame mom, because after all we know that "when mama's not happy, no one is happy."  However, sometimes "mama's not happy" because she is drowning in false guilt and trying to figure out how she became responsible for everyone and everything in the universe . . . . . and blame and guilt is a very heavy burden to carry around in those pretty pockets in mama's apron. 

So, I love Monday morning.  I get to walk through that door of opportunity and learn from my mistakes and become the woman that I know I can be.   I get another opportunity to teach my children to be strong, independent, and courageous people of integrity.  And take responsibility for their own junk!

What difference does it make?

So does it really matter what we do every day?  Who cares what you are wearing, or where you buy your shoes, or do you color your hair, or have you had a face lift?  ;o)   Perhaps I've lived in a different world than most, but it is hard for me to understand the quest for more and more "stuff," and especially the really expensive "stuff."  What am I missing here?  Maybe it is a result of my childhood . . . . it's always a good idea to blame Mom for everything we don't understand about life, especially when we can convince the world that our own wierdness is all Mom's fault . .. . . I grew up in a very modest home in a very small town in Michigan.  There.  I said it.  Michigan, where we all drive pick-up trucks with a coon hunting dog howling in the back as we fly down the back roads kicking up clouds of dirt and dust.  Yep, we are all Red Necks.  Well, at least where I come from.  Now that I actually put it in writing, it does begin to make sense.  

However, even though my childhood memories are filled with Sunday afternoon drives through the farmland of western Michigan, fishing in my Dad's little boat, living in an old lake cottage, walking "uptown" on a summer day, and sliding down the hills around the lake on pieces of cardboard, my sense of beauty somehow managed to escape intact from that provincial childhood.  But what I discovered, probably because of my experiences in that backwoods village, is that beauty is not about quantity, designer labels, or expensive price tags.  And that is one of the reasons that I love vintage! 

I realize that I have a different definition of "vintage" than lots of folks out here, who somehow believe that if something is 20 years old it is so much more valuable than something that is 19 years, 364 days old . .. . to me, beauty is beauty.  And I don't understand why there is the mistaken idea that a dress that is two years old is somehow just "someone's old junk," but shove it in the back of a closet for 18 more years (or even WEAR it for another 18 years!) and that automatically increases its value.  So I settle for "almost vintage" and find that my life is so much less stressful, especially during these difficult economic times, when I can buy a "new to me" dress for a fraction of the price that I would spend at a department store. 

I know that there are lots of you out there who feel the same way . . . but our society still tends to view "second-hand" as a negative, rather than see it as a wise investment in our world, and a great way to teach our children that people and things frequently gain value with age.  We can teach our children about self-control, financial wisdom, and the gift of peace of mind that will never accompany those $500 shoes or the $300 dress.  But if you've got it, it's none of my business how you spend it . . . . I'm just saying, there are other ways to feel good about life and yourself, instead of spending money you don't have, buying things you don't need, to put in your closet that is already jam packed with clothing and shoes that still have those darn expensive price tags still on them.  Just a thought for today!  Have a great one, and really . ... you are worth so much more than the clothes you wear. 

If you are interested in considering the fun of vintage, please visit my little Etsy shop at www.gossamerwingsstudio.etsy.com , and I am filling up my other little online shop this coming week at www.gossamerwingsstudio.bonanzle.com.  

Get out your matches and let's go!

“Success isn’t a result of spontaneous combustion.
You must set yourself on fire.”  

~~ by Arnold Glasgow ~~

 

Most of us would like to be successful.  But we probably all have different aspirations and thus, different ideas of what "success" would look like.  We have the notions of "success" hurled in our direction daily through the media:  tabloids, glitzy glamour magazines, billboards, television, radio, and the internet.  "Make more money!", "Lose more weight!", "Buy the latest fashions!", or "Be the star of your own reality show!" all give us ideas about what we need to do to be successful.  Seems to me that all of this just wears us out, because most of us will never fit that definition of "success." 

    So, it's no wonder we need to be pro-active with all of this "success" stuff; we're so exhausted from trying to sort out all of the voices screaming at us, that there will never be "spontaneous combustion" in our lives, for this or any other goal we might want to achieve.  My mama always used to tell me when I was a little girl:  "First you work, and THEN you play!"  And she meant business   ;o)  You know, the kind of mama who believed that if your behind had landed on a chair (or any other horizontal surface) before the task at hand was accomplished . . . . . well, here's your sign!  Get your little behind off the couch and finish the job.

One of her other favorite sayings (really, I WAS a kid once upon a time!) has stuck with me over the years, and I have realized how significant this is in daily life:  "Do what you're told, when you're told, the way you were told!"  Now that might seem a bit authoritarian and oppressive, but think about it.  That is LIFE!  There's a reason we have speed limit signs, and employment requirements, and school rules.  It's because they make life so much more pleasant for everyone.  That way we don't need to wonder every time we drive through a green light if we're going to get smashed by a semi going through the intersection.  Now, of course, that does happen, but when it does it is never a good thing, and it just proves the point. 

That's what parents are for; teaching our children how to "set themselves on fire" when that is necessary for success, as well as teaching them self-control when that is what is called for.  But when we become adults; when we are the parents, we need to be able to "set ourselves on fire" to accomplish whatever it is that God has set before us for this day, for this week, and for this lifetime.  We all know the classic definition of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results.  Waiting for "spontaneous combustion" to ignite underneath my behind while sitting on the couch eating chips and drinking cola will be a LONG wait.  Just isn't going to happen.

Got something to do?  Get out your matches and get started!  Today is the first day of your commitment to "setting yourself on fire" in your life and in your walk with the Lord.  Let's go! 

 

Please visit Karen at In L.O.V.E. with Jesus to find links to the other women's blogs who are participating this week with In Other Words. 

~by Arnold H. Glasow

Yes I AM the center of the universe!

If you are a mom or a dad, I am sure you have come to realize this truth about your children.  You see, all children are born believing that they, in fact, ARE the center of the universe.  Of course, when we first bring our little darlings home from the hospital, they really are the center of OUR universe.  But then our precious little bundle of joy grows from a cuddly, cooing infant to a busy baby crawling around poking his or her tiny nose into everything in sight.  Including the dog's dish, the toilet, and a mud puddle.  And they promptly insert whatever is found right into that sweet little mouth.  Or up the nose or in the ears, or any other body crevice that can be reached.  What a joy!  And as parents we are so proud of our little angel, especially when they do something so amazing as clap their hands and giggle for the first time.    

Then one day, you suddenly discover that your sweet, innocent baby has turned into a testy toddler.  Favorite words:   NO!   MINE!  I DO IT MYSELF!  Alright, alright, alright . . . . do it yourself, then!  Everything becomes a battle of wits in your attempts to keep your little darling safe, clean, and alive, while he or she seems absolutely determined not only to self-destruct, but to bring you along for the ride.  Have you ever wandered in a daze into your laundry room, burst out bawling, and asked God to show you what you were doing wrong?  I mean, how could this tiny little body do so much, so fast, to make you so completely crazy???  And when you try to figure out WHY little Johnny would stuff a whole box of tissues into the heat register, nothing seems to come to you.  And was that the cat I just heard screeching as Susie flushed the toilet?

If you survive the toddler years, you are delighted to discover that for a few years, at least, most children "mellow out."  Well, that doesn't mean they become any less self-centered and demanding, but they are between the temper tantrums and the hormones.  But during these years, mom and dad, you really need to work on their understanding of how the world really operates!  Left to their own devices, most children believe that they are the only ones in the universe who want anything, need anything, or deserve anything.  This is natural.  Human nature, and all.  It is a rather tricky business convincing them otherwise; their capacity to comprehend that the rest of the people in the world are just as important as them.  It's a difficult task to convince them of reality, but someone's got to do it.

Sadly, for our children and for our families, if we are just too busy to  help them learn to live in the real world, where they are not going to get their own way all the time, our children grow up to be disillusioned and unhappy when things happen that prevent them from getting everything they want in life.  Things like the current recession.  I wonder how many families are struggling, trying to explain to their children that they can't have all those new toys and gadgets that "everyone else" has.  I just remind myself that I grew up poor, had to learn to do without, was disappointed many times, but it didn't kill me.  Things like that can make our children stronger, more independent, and compassionate people.  If we can just help them understand that it is make-believe to think that they are the center of the universe.  It just doesn't work that way.  And they'll be a lot happier in life the sooner they learn that little lesson in life. 

 

Remember: YOU are the Mom!

As I think back on all of the Mother's Days that I have experienced, I really don't remember so many from when I was a little girl and it was my Mama's celebration day. Probably because when I was growing up, at least in our family, there wasn't very much extra time or money to spend on things like Mother's Day. But one thing for sure that I remember about my Mama and my growing up years was her determination and strength in the face of adversity. Well, at the time I didn't actually see it in such a positive light. I didn't appreciate how hard it was for her to be a mom, and I definitely had no clue about all of the heartache that she had experienced. I guess I just thought she was a pretty strict, and sometimes unreasonable, mom . . . . like lots of other moms throughout history. 

And I can almost hear her voice as if it was just yesterday, reminding me that "if a job's worth doin' it's worth doin' right."  One that always annoyed me was, "First you work, and THEN you play!"  Other lessons included such mundane admonitions as "Always tell the truth," "if you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend," and this one I REALLY hated:  "You need to learn to do WHAT you are told, WHEN you are told, and the WAY you are told!"   And if I didn't do it, there would definitely be pretty serious consequences!  Now, during this time of economic struggles for so many families, the one little saying that I remember so well from my Mama (she was a young girl during the Great Depression):  "Use it up, wear it out, Make do, or do without!"  And so we did.  I guess I learned to appreciate the values of hard work, thrift, honesty, and integrity from my Mama.  But I don't remember any Mother's Day celebrations, flowers, gifts, or cards.  I just remember my Mama.

But I do remember a few of the Mother's Days that I have experienced as a Mom.  Some were good, some were OK, and some were kind of sad.  But I got through them all.  I just wish I had learned a long time ago to remember, at all times, that I am the Mom.  You see, I was one of those moms who thought for a long time that I should be a "nice mommy," one who always has time to play with her children, take them to the park and the zoo and the library, or to the weekly playgroup.  Even when I was losing my mind, I was driven to be a "good mommy."  And all of those things are wonderful things to do with our children . . . . I did them all, loved most of it   ;o)  and survived the rest.  But it was not a good lesson for my children.  What I was teaching them was that they were in charge of the universe, that mom's feelings don't really matter, and that mom's only value was in serving the needs of the children.  Again, not a bad thing to do, but not a good thing to teach my children.  And years later, I began to see clearly what went wrong.  If children do not learn to respect their parents, they do not feel safe.  Their world is rather uncertain.  Since I was the mom, and I am the mom, I made lots of mistakes because I didn't understand that children need to KNOW who is the mom and who is the child. 

Now, as an "older mom," I see lots of young moms struggling with children who have learned that they can be rude, disrespectful, and disobedient.  Sometimes because Mommy is so determined to be a "good mommy" and not make her child unhappy.  I talk to young moms who were so enchanted with an infant who has now become a loud, messy, chaotic, and selfish three-year-old.  And they are frustrated and angry because they can't make sense of the mixed messages they see all around them.  One the one hand we see beautiful young moms and children, all smiling, wearing fashionable, clean clothes, playing on a brightly colored playset in their perfectly manicured backyard.  And somehow that just doesn't match up with what they are experiencing in their life-long dream of "motherhood."  It has become a nightmare, with a screaming kid with smelly diapers and a runny nose who falls in the mud, bleeds on Mommy's new dress, and slaps her when she tells him / her "No." 

However . . . . that IS life, that IS kids, and that IS Mommies.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the frustrating, and the joyful.  This is real life.  But I have learned, that through it all, the children in your home need to KNOW, and you need to remember:  YOU are the mom!  They will feel safer, and you will be much more joyful in the midst of all of the chaos that is Motherhood.  Happy Mother's Day!  We can chat about this more next week . . . . . .    Nina