Mamas*Little*Treasures

To Be Carried Away by God's Grace

“The rush and pressure of modern life are a form,
perhaps the most common form,
of its innate violence.
To allow oneself to be carried away
by a multitude of conflicting concerns,
to surrender to too many projects,
to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence . . .” 

                       ~Thomas Merton

Perhaps it is only as we get older and are faced with the necessity of slowing down occasionally that we truly, finally understand this concept. Or perhaps it is just that certain personalities comprehend this truth all along, and others seem to be forever searching for that next "adrenaline rush" of activity, excitement, and adventure. Whatever the reason, it is such a common place in which we find ourselves: too busy, too stressed, too anxious, and far too weighed down with all of the responsibilities in our lives.

Of course, many of those responsibilities cannot be avoided, and should not be avoided. We can't just ignore our children for the sake of some peace and tranquility on a mountaintop somewhere. We can't simply pretend that the bills don't exist while we meditate in a quiet corner. We can't remove all of the noise and activity that is part of modern life . . . . but we can find ways to seek a place of rest and solitude in the midst of our responsibilities. And the other thing that I have discovered over the years is that I can also say "no" to some of the requests for my time and attention.

For many years it seemed that if I didn't "do" the task at hand, whether in our home, our church, or our community, then it was just not going to happen. Because of that incorrect assumption on my part, I would frequently take on way too many responsibilities! Because I was capable of running the parent group at school, and the summer reading program at the local library, and the arts committee in Our Town, I assumed that meant that I was supposed to do it . . . . all. So I tried. And, of course, eventually I failed, because I was so overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities of trying to do everything that everyone expected of me.

Eventually I realized that I am just not that important in the Big Picture! If it is in God's plan for something to happen, then it is going to happen, whether I am the one doing it or not. That was a difficult lesson to learn, and I frequently still feel the tug on my heart to do more than I should. That is why the truth of this quote is so significant - because there is an inherent, innate "violence" that we allow into our lives when we strive so desperately to do it all.

This is so difficult to accept when we are young, enthusiastic, and energetic, and we truly believe that we CAN do it all. At that time in our lives it never occurs to us that we will not always have that same level of youth, enthusiasm, or energy, and we will eventually have to allow others the privilege of taking on some of the responsibilities that we so sincerely believed we alone could handle. When you throw into the mix of life responsibilities, all that it takes to raise children and care for all the needs of a family, it is so easy to become burdened down with it all until the "violence" that invades our soul turns to resentment and exhaustion.

God's Word emphasizes the importance of resting in Him and trusting His plans: "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, . . . . refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil." Psalm 37:7-8 Perhaps it is just part of our modern-day culture that we, as women, have been convinced that we are responsible to "fix" everything and everyone in our lives. That is a dangerous belief upon which to build our lives. Partly it is dangerous because it will eventually destroy us, but it is also dangerous because it is God alone who is in the business of "fixing" broken hearts, homes, and lives.

As we truly strive to be the "virtuous women" that we believe God expects of us, we forget what is really required of us, first and foremost. Instead of the striving, the frantic activity, and the frustration and exhaustion of over-commitment, God requires our hearts. The rest will fall into place, without the "violence" in our souls of "a multitude of conflicting concerns," if we obey that one seemingly simple requirement.

"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6 We will always have willing hearts to do what God asks us to do . . . . but how long will it take for us to remember that it is not our job to do it ALL, and before we do ANY of the responsibilities that are before us, we must seek His face in the quietness of our souls. In that moment, we will be carried away by His Grace.

The giggling children will just have to go play somewhere else for a few minutes! Crying babies make it difficult, I know, but somehow we have to find the time, the quiet, and the peaceful place where we can BE all that God intends for us to be, and then we will have His grace and strength to DO the rest.

Have a great Tuesday and try to find a way to slow down and even say "no" once in a while! If you would like to participate in this week's "In Other Words" meme, please visit Emily at Imperfect Prose  and leave a link to your blog post. You can also find links to the other participants so you can take a minute and visit them!

 

"Flutter Flower" Applique Tutorial by mamas*little*treasures

Flutter Flower

Applique Pattern and Tutorial

by mamas*little*treasures

 

Here’s a sweet way to brighten up a spring day!  Inspired by the gorgeous Ginger Blossom line of fabrics by Sandi Henderson, this appliqué pattern is just perfect with any of the Ginger Blossom fabrics.  Or any fabrics at home in your stash!  I’ve been working on creating little projects that you can do using scraps of fabric you already have on hand, and something that you could finish up in an afternoon while the kids are napping or off at school. So, if you are wanting to tackle a small project to get started sewing, or if you are just looking for a simple, fun, quick and easy project . . . . this is perfect for you! 

You can find the complete tutorial, including directions and instructional photos, on the "Flutter Flower" Applique Tutorial page.

 
  

 

Where have all the young girls gone? Long time passing . . . .

Those of you who have read my blog over the past few years know that I am a Vintage Mama. Not quite antique yet, but totally vintage! Some of our daughters' friends have parents that are actually younger than our oldest kids  ;o) but that's not hard to accomplish, I guess, since I was a "child bride" and was a first time mama at the age of 19. So for you younger moms, the song reference in my title will not connect with you like it does with this Vintage Mama who was a young teen during the waning days of the Viet Nam War. During that time, lots of the music we heard back then was about the horror and tragedy of war, in every generation and through all time. The song started out by asking "Where have all the young men gone?" and concluded that many of them had "Gone to graveyards, every one." And then the eternal question: "When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn?"

In reality, wars have been waged throughout history, and you and I will probably never sort out all of the political and historical implications of that reality. But as a Vintage Mama, I am suddenly confronted with my own reality of how different it is raising young girls in 2011 than it was back at the end of the last century. Now that our daughters are ages 8 and 10, I'm looking around at the way some of the girls in this age group are dressing, talking, and acting, and it is apparent in so many ways that I am from a different century! As I observe what's going on in the world around us, I was struck by the words of that old hippie song that asks not only "where have all the flowers gone?," and "where have all the young men gone?," but now I want to know, "Where have all the young girls gone?"

It appears that our "little girls" emerge one day into the harsh daylight of edgy womanhood, with no transition time in between. So what's a mother to do, if she is convinced that it is not particularly healthy for a ten year old to dress, act, and talk like a 19-year-old (and a rather rowdy one at that!)? Is there a way to find / create cute, stylish, feminine clothing for tween girls that allows them to transition gracefully into womanhood? All of the images I have reposted here are from websites that are geared specifically to girls designated as "tweens," which I believe is the technical term for girls ages 9 - 12 or 13. Even early teens should have some options!

I know I'm an "old fashioned" mom, and not just and "old mom," but I also have talked to many younger moms who are very uncomfortable with this level of indiscriminate flaunting of a young lady's sexuality. Let's teach our young ladies to be modest, and help them develop a healthy sense of self-worth and self-respect that honors not only their own heart, body, and soul, but also honors the God Who made them. They are "little treasures," and I am determined to figure out how to keep them that way while teaching them how to grow up to be women of God. What do you think?

~~ Nina

Time Always Tells the Truth

 

"Only when we understand that God has ordained our suffering can we begin to make sense of it. Only then can we be certain that He has a purpose in it. When tragedy comes, when adversity strikes, we will not be shaken. Yes, we will cry. Yes, we will grieve. But we will move on confidently knowing that God is on His throne, that we are in His hand, that our circumstances are His doing, and that He is working them for our good."

~~ Terry L. Johnson,   When Grace Comes Home

 

Time. For many of us, time feels like the "enemy." We don't want to wait, to be patient, to trust that our immediate circumstances will be used by God to create something far more beautiful than we could have imagined. It all seems so senseless when we are in the midst of crisis, when everything around us appears to be broken beyond repair. The clouds of confusion make it very difficult to comprehend that God is still there, and that He has a plan and a purpose for our suffering.

 

But I have learned over the years, and through many heartbreaking circumstances, that "time always tells the truth." Eventually we will see the plan, the purpose, and the reason for our suffering. Now, that is not to say that God makes us suffer through agonizing, dream-shattering events in life just to make His point . . . . but He uses the circumstances of our lives, both the joys and the heart aches, to create something that never could have been possible without those moments of darkness. Here's a story to express this truth:

 

When she discovered that her family was falling apart, she had to decide whether it was the "right" choice or the "wrong" choice to address the infidelity. And because the children were still small, she decided that the "right" choice was to remain silent, protect the children, and try to "fix" her marriage. So she did. For 25 years. All of those years the marriage continued to be violated by infidelity, but she was determined that her children would have a "normal" childhood. And they did. Kind of.

 

She thought she had made the "right" choice, but discovered later that her silence and all of her efforts to "fix" herself, "fix" her marriage, and "fix" her family made no difference in the ongoing secret life of her husband. And it turned out NOT to be a good choice for her children, because they were completely stunned when she finally broke. After 25 years the marriage finally came to a disastrous end, with much brokenness for the entire family . . . . well, except for the one who had perpetuated the pretense in the first place.

 

Through the years of deception, blaming, accusations, and lies she wondered when  . . . . . how . . . . if God could use all that brokenness to make something beautiful. Sin is sin, and there are consequences for sin. But there is also forgiveness, mercy, and grace. And over time, the truth began to be revealed, and eventually she saw how all those years of heartache, shattered dreams, and a broken heart turned into another story. A story of hope, of redemption, or restoration, and of beauty.

 

For out of those years of secrecy, pretense, and pain God brought a new relationship that is safe and trusting. And God also brought two little girls from China to live with their "Forever Family" in America where they will be treated with respect and dignity. They will be allowed to have an education, and they will be allowed to be loved. Instead of being tossed to the side of the road in a rural Chinese village, God had His hand on two precious children who now have the opportunity to be part of a family. Instead of being left alone in the "dying room" of a Chinese orphanage, they are now wrapped in the warm embrace of their church family. That might not have happened if she hadn't been willing to walk through that time of darkness in her heart and soul. But it takes time. So, be patient, because "time always tells the truth."

 

If you would like to join us this week for "In Other Words," please visit our hostess this week, Jennifer at Scraps and Snippets, where you will find links to the other IOW participants and where you can leave your link so we can visit you to read your thoughts on this quote. Have a great Tuesday - and never, ever give up hope!  Hugs, Nina

 

 

An Artist in Ordinary Moments

“I would define ‘hidden art’ as the art found in the ordinary areas of everyday life. Each person has, I believe, some talent which is unfulfilled in some hidden area of his being – a talent which could be expressed and developed.”

By Edith Schaeffer
“The Hidden Art of Homemaking”

One morning, as I was sweeping my kitchen floor, I was wondering why I was wasting my time cleaning up messes that would just be recreated again within mere minutes. This was "back in the day" when the loudest women's voices all around me were claiming that if I didn't have a "career" where I would be recognized for all of my accomplishments, I would die a completely "unfulfilled" woman. That, really, I could do anything a man could do, and probably even better, if I just had the chance. And it was my responsibility to seize that opportunity, search for it and demand it, if I was ever to be a valued member of the human race.

But what about sweeping the kitchen floor? And what about washing the laundry for all of these people in my family who depended on me to take care of such "unimportant" matters as cooking and cleaning? So, of course I carried on, and I finished sweeping the floor, and doing the dishes, and changing the diapers, and rocking the sick babies, and going to the library, and reading with the toddlers, and going to the park with the pre-schoolers, and taking the older children to music lessons and sports practices. How in the world was I EVER going to do something "important" if all of my time was invested in this "home maker" business?

Then, another day, I happened to come across the writing of Edith Schaeffer, and it completely changed my perspective on life. I had read some of the books by her husband, Francis Schaeffer, including "How Should We Then Live," in which Dr. Schaeffer gives historical examples of how our choices, as a people and as a nation, have presented us with the ultimate question for every human being: how should we live, in light of the cultural and historical realities of our times? And in the midst of such philosophical ponderings, I still had to face MY reality of diapers, screaming babies, and naughty toddlers. How to bridge the gap between what seemed to be a message about what I "ought" to be doing, and what, in reality, I actually "was" doing.

Mrs. Schaeffer, in her own practical and yet deeply philosophical approach, enabled me to see that I was doing exactly what God wanted me to be doing for that day, for that time in my life. That my choices in my home everyday, would make a difference for eternity. And the most significant aspect of this revelation, to me, was the truth that I can, and I do, use all of my creativity, all of my energy, all of my God-given gifts within the context of caring for my home and family.

Even in the seemingly "ordinary" moments of life, my choices to focus my ministry first, but not necessarily exclusively, on my home and family DOES make a difference in the history of humanity. Because if, within the setting of my home, God can use me to touch one life . . . one child . . . . one friend . . . . one neighbor, that is truly His work. I am honored to have received the ministry of "home making," and just like your ministry may not be what someone else has been called to do, I do not need to compare my ministry to someone else's. So wherever you are, whatever you are doing, God wants us all to pursue that "hidden art" that resides within each of our hearts, and create our "art" to His honor and glory.

"The Hidden Art of Homemaking" by Edith Schaeffer was first published in 1972, but it is still available through Amazon.

Thank you for stopping by today! Please leave a link to your In Other Words blog post so we can visit you, and then take a minute to visit the other participants to read their perspective on this quote about the "hidden art" that is in the heart and life of every woman, including you!

A Time to Let Go

If you are a mom, you will sooner or later have to let go of some of your dreams. That's just the way it is, but that's OK. When we are young moms, and our babies are bouncing and giggling, we just know that all of our tomorrows will be as bright as our babies smiles. And then as a bit of time goes by, we become exhausted from chasing toddlers around, trying to keep them alive and our homes from being destroyed. If we are also trying to work from home, which many of us are these days, we walk a fine line between "being there" for our little ones, and "being there" for our clients. It's truly a juggling act, but as moms, we are perfectly capable of spinning several plates at the same time and keeping most of them from crashing and smashing on the ground.

Then one day, all of a sudden, our babies are "big kids," learning about nouns and verbs, multiplication tables and geometry, the names of the planets and how to dissect a frog. Amazing! Whose kids are these, anyway? The last time I looked they were still toddling around, reaching for Mama and crying "Up, up, up, pease!" The first baby tooth falls out and where is that Tooth Fairy when you need him? Her? I guess the Tooth Fairy ran out of money and will have to reschedule for tomorrow night . . . . or next week, since mommy and daddy are both out of work and the mortgage is late. And hopefully the Tooth Fairy shows up before that grown-up tooth comes in or somehow the magic of childhood will be shattered.

From those moments of delightful silliness that characterizes our kids ("Mom, I just made up a new Chicken Dance!" . . . . really that JUST happened right here in my little home office) - to those frightening times when we are praying that they are safe, out there somewhere, somehow we begin to realize that we can't protect them forever. And that is a traumatic moment for every mom. That's just the way we are. Our nurturing instincts continually compell us to shield and protect our babies, but eventually we have to let go. Just a little bit. And give them some space. Even when it breaks our hearts.

And it is in those moments of anxiety that if we can just quiet our hearts and listen to the voice of God, He will remind us that He loves our babies so much more than we ever could. Which is hard for us to believe, but it is true. When we are fearful and uncertain; because sometimes children grow up and do things and go places that make us wonder where our REAL children have been hidden - because we think THIS certainly can't be MY child! - and we are confused, we must remember that He is still in control. He hears our prayers, He knows our hearts, and He truly loves them so much more than we can imagine. Let them go. At least a little bit, and trust our Heavenly Father to keep them.

In those moments we may only be able to pray, "Father, that she would just live through this," but that is enough. Can you let go a little bit? Can I let go a little bit? Faith and trust can be so difficult sometimes, but there are times when we have no choice, because they will go whether we "let" them or not. God will take good care of them. I know, trust me on this one!

In Other Words: Still just an ordinary mama

This truth gives me hope. We frequently see images of the "Christian Celebrities" who have been gifted with amazing abilities as speakers, teachers, musicians, authors . . . . and then there are the rest of us. I celebrate the gifts of those who have been blessed with talents that bring God's grace to the hearts of "ordinary Christians." But I've also wondered why some of us have those opportunities, while most of us walk through life in the shadows, quietly doing what God has put before us to do. What makes the difference? But, really, there is no difference.

I remember days when my older children were small and I found myself feeling worthless, as if my daily tasks were making no difference in the world. In the midst of hearing sermons preached about the amazing experiences of those who were called to the mission field, listening to eloquent speakers and teachers at seminars and conferences, and reading the words of brilliant writers . . . . how could I contribute anything? After all, most of my days were taken up with changing diapers, cuddling and reading with toddlers, helping with homework, losing sleep watching over the bed of a feverish child, driving one, two, three, four of them to music lessons, sports practices and games, running the PTA and Friends of the Library . . . . absolutely nothing compared to all of the "famous" voices and faces all around me.

But I've never been called to the mission field in a foreign country. I've never been able to contribute any musical talents to our local congregation. I've not yet written a book that has made me famous. I have done a bit of public speaking and teaching, but certainly nothing that would qualify me for "celebrity" status. And so for several years I felt as if I had nothing to offer. But here I am, now. Still not famous, still just an ordinary mama, making my way through every day. Still helping with homework, attending soccer practice and games, rushing my daughter to the ER to have the gash over her eyebrow stitched up (and still losing sleep watching over her all night long while she slept soundly beside me), still trying to figure out how to help a 9 year old understand multiplication and a teach a 7 year old how to read "Green Eggs and Ham." I still find myself wondering what it all means.

Isn't there SOMETHING that I can do that will make a difference in the world? But then I remember, as God's gentle voice reminds me that He DID bless us with the opportunity to travel to China, twice, to bring our daughters home. He has honored this mother's prayers for her children, as they have grown-up and they are still alive  ;o) and they are all successful in their own lives. No, not all my prayers were answered. My marriage of 25 years was not healed; the brokenness of that tragedy will remain to my last days of life on this earth. No, not all of my children understand (even after almost 15 years), and no, I have never been able to give back to my church and community any of the more "visible" gifts.

But I remain hopeful that God's Word is true . . . . that if I just offer Him all that I am and all that I have (even if it isn't very much!), that He is pleased and will use my life to bring glory to Himself. Really . . . . what more can I ask for? And if that is all that ever comes of my life, then that is enough.

Please visit Jennifer at "Scraps and Snippets" to read her thoughts on this quote and you will also find links to the other IOW participants for this week. Share your thoughts on your blog and leave your link there so we can come and visit you. And remember . . . . if YOU are just an ordinary mama, it's OK!  ;o) God is using you in ways you may never know. 

Mama's Voice

Do you ever think about your mama's voice? We all have images of what that might mean . . . .for some of us the memory of Mama's Voice brings back visions of our childhood. It might bring memories of Mama fixing supper and calling us in from our backyard adventures. For others the suggestion of Mama's Voice perhaps recalls times of singing lullabies in a rocking chair, or being on the receiving end of a willow switch pulled hastily from the nearest tree. In those moments of Mama's Terror, she probably said some things that sounded pretty dramatic: "Don't you EVER go by the lake again, young lady, or I'll  . . . . . " whatever the rest of the threat might have been. Hard to remember, because all the while the ranting and raving of Terrified Mama was resounding off the trees and houses in the neighborhood, that willow switch was stinging one little girl's tiny hiney all the way home. Guess I remember Mama's Voice THAT day.

Or maybe your Mama's Voice still invades your daily routine, with voice messages on your phone reminding you to take Maddie to the dr. because she has a runny nose, and be sure to check Hunter's shoes because they seemed a bit too small on Tuesday. For some of us, Mama's Voice is a distant memory, haunting our moments of silence, as we realize that we never really even knew our Mama. I'll bet that happens to lots of us. And then, when we are the Mama, do we ever wonder what our children remember about our voice, our words, our presence in their lives?

Of course, most mamas try their best to be a Good Mama . . . . and most of us are. But then, there are those times when we stumble and fall somewhere along the way. Then what? Then there is God's grace. Of course, if you have never, ever lost your patience with your children, or ever uttered a single word in fear, anxiety, exhaustion, or anger, then none of this matters. But Mama's Voice is a powerful presence in everyone's life, and if we can reflect back on how we responded to our Mama's Voice, it might help us to redeem the time that we have with our own children. Our Drama Diva frequently says, "Mama, I like your Happy Voice." Well, that's a good thing, but sometimes this lil' darlin' needs to hear Mama's Stern Voice . . . especially when she is being a bit bossy with her sister.

As I think of my Mama's Voice, and how I no longer have the opportunity hear her speaking to me, I wonder if I listened to what she was REALLY saying or if I just let her words kind of fall unceremoniously to the ground. And she knew it, I'm sure. And as I think of my voice as the Mama, I know that my words have not always been what my children needed to hear, but that's one of the good things about Mama's Voice . . . . we can speak words of forgiveness, and we can ask forgiveness, and we should do it before it is too late. Mama's Voice won't be around forever.

Should I continue to pretend or tell the truth?

 "A sentence from Psalm 101 has been both challenging and convicting for me: 'I will walk in my house with blameless heart' (Psalm 101:2, NIV). When God speaks to me about being more loving, this verse reminds me to make application in my family first -- and then to others. It forces me to ask, 'Am I more spiritual, more loving, or more fun somewhere else? Who gets my best -- my family or others?"

~Jean Fleming from "A Mother's Heart: A Look at Values, Vision and Character for the Christian Mother"

This is a question that I have pondered over the years, and quite honestly, I have agonized over this idea of whether or not I am "fun" with my family. It is not uncommon in my weekly IOW posts to take a bit different approach to the given quote for our consideration. And this week I guess will be no different. But before I share my thoughts on this particular quote, let me explain some of the reasons that I don't always see things the way many regular Christian girls do. ;o)  I trust you will understand why I sometimes seem to come to our weekly task from "around the corner," or from a different slant than you will probably hear in your average Christian conversation.

Some of you know that I spent many, many years trying to figure out why MY home, MY family, MY marriage just didn't quite "measure up" to what I was observing around me in my church family. And so, when life in my little world was topsy-turvy and completely confusing, I assumed that it was because I was doing something I shouldn't be doing . . . . or not doing something that I should have been doing . . . . or I wasn't "nice" enough to my children, or I wasn't "fun" enough to keep up with the incessant demand in our home for "excitement," "adventure," and an every-increasing expectation that life should be "fun."

So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed . . . . for many, many years . . . . asking God to change me, to make me a "good" mommy, a better wife, a happier Christian. But no matter how much I prayed, or how much I determined to be "more spiritual, more loving, or more fun," I just never could quite reach that elusive goal. Every day, every week, every month, every year I struggled to understand how I could be so incapable of "getting it right." And every time I would hear one more sermon about how the mother is responsible for setting the "tone" in the home; she (apparently alone) is responsible to create a loving, nurturing, spiritual, happy home where her family is cheerfully growing in God's grace . . . . I would sink into an even deeper abyss of hopelessness.

Maybe it was because I didn't spend enough time in my daily devotions. Maybe it was because I had gained a few pounds from giving birth to four beautiful babies. Maybe it was because I believed that we should do things together as a family, and that idea was really annoying to those people who were my family at the time. Maybe it was because I worked so hard to be there for my children when they got home from school, to sit down and read with them, and then help them with their homework. My biggest failure in those days, however, was that I was continually pleading with my family to have dinner together, all at the same time, all at the same table. And I even expected that we should try to eat healthy foods, and treat each other with respect.

After years of being humiliated and criticized for trying to incorporate into our lives many of the principles that were being taught from the pulpit, from women's seminars, from Christian books, and from Christian radio programs . . . . . I just gave up. I quit. Because I couldn't understand why, in this family, all of those things that were being taught as "good" where condemned as preventing my family from having "fun." And of course, I failed. Miserably. Because after years of this, I really wasn't fun, or loving, or spiritual. I was broken and angry.

I recall one day, standing in my kitchen with a broom in hand (as I attempted to clean my house, which was also deemed "not fun" so I guess I had better just do it myself, and not EVER dare to ask for help), I was listening to a well-known Christian radio broadcast on the little radio I kept on the kitchen counter. When I heard the woman who was being interviewed claim that "a woman who does not create an atmosphere of joy, happiness, spirituality, and loving kindness in her home, really does not love her family and she does not love the Lord." I was done. The end. I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen and wept, begging God to tell me how I had failed so miserably. How could one woman, who so desperately wanted to honor God and raise her children to love the Lord, could be such a worthless example of Christian womanhood? What? What? What do you want me to do? I begged God to just show me what ELSE I could do. And the answer was silence.

Because, I discovered later, there was no way that I could overcome the powerful influence that had convinced my children that mommies are supposed to be "nice" and "fun" and NEVER, EVER address their children's behavior. A good mommy is just supposed to smile and say "Isn't that nice"  ;o) no matter what her children or husband say or do to her. I learned that lesson very well! And for years, the silent smiles of pretense hid the growing rage that burned within my heart. Until, one day, it was just over. It was just over.

Now I know that not only must a mother be spiritual, loving, and kind, it is simply not possible for a mother to be "fun" at all cost. I am not my children's best friend, I am their mother. And sometimes that means being the boss, making decisions that may not be popular, and teaching my children to do the right thing. Even when they don't want to. That is the life lesson that all of this taught me: just do the right thing. Even if no one around you recognizes it, appreciates it, or even if they try to destroy you because of it. Do the right thing.

Now, when I am seeking God's guidance, I know that He will lead me if I just do the next thing in front of me. Step by step He will show me the path, and in the absence of a dysfunctional environment I have discovered that it is not that difficult to be spiritual, loving, and yes, even "fun." Because I am now free to be what a truly "good" mommy ought to be . . . . the mother of my children, not the convenient place to dump the guilt and blame for everything that isn't "perfect" in the world. I have learned that all the "junk" in the world is not because I wasn't "fun" enough. It is a result of sin, and every one of us needs to deal with the sin in our lives through the grace of God and by seeking His forgiveness.

So . . . . I've revealed a great deal about my own life in this post. That is because of another lesson I've learned while stumbling through the fires of failure: Talking about the problem is NOT the problem - THE PROBLEM is the problem. And if we never talk about it, we can never sort it out and solve it. But now you perhaps have a better idea of why my posts tend to push the edges a  bit. I hope you do not take offense, and I apologize if you do, but trust me on this one . . . . pretense and silence never fix anything. In my life now, I am safe and loved, and free to be the kind of mommy that I always wanted to be. God is truly good!

Please visit our hostess this week, Loni at Writing Canvas, where you will find links to the other IOW participants for this week. Then, leave your link so we can visit you!

Another battle in the "Mommy Wars" might be a good thing

Because of my job as editor of Ruby for Women, I am frequently out and about in cyber space, cruising around the mommy blogs, looking for intriguing writing, ideas, and personalities. And I frequently find them! There are SO many amazing women out here who write from the heart, who share honestly and even boldly, telling their stories and sharing their wisdom. One thing that remains constant, however, is an ongoing version of the "Mommy Wars." Now, if you are younger that 35, or maybe even 40, you probably don't remember the early days of the "Mommy Wars."

Perhaps these little spats have been going on throughout all of history . . . although I wouldn't be surprised if women of long ago really didn't have the time or energy to worry about whether she measured up to the neighbor lady. For many centuries of world history, women have been so consumed with survival, for themselves and their families, that they frequently had to figure out how to get through a day without dying. And they didn't always succeed at that. But in more modern history, we have the time, energy, education, and permission to consider things such as: "Am I a good enough mom if I can't provide my children with the latest designer clothing?" or what about the mamas who worry about having to choose between working away from home (and consequently having their children in day care) or having enough money to keep a roof over the heads of family members?

And of course a HUGE issue among mommies is the topic of education. Of course, we all want the very best for our children. That's the way God made mamas - and so we struggle to figure it all out. And sometimes we get it right and sometimes we discover that we THOUGHT we were doing the right thing, only to find out years later that, unfortunately, we made a mistake about something. It's definitely a good thing that there is God's grace, or we would all be in a pretty bad situation.

But the question that really haunts me, and has for many years, is why we seem to bring all of this guilt into our lives and into the lives of others. I'm sure we don't really mean to drag all this load of guilt around with us . . . . and I would have a hard time believing that anyone would intentionally drop that heavy load right on top of another mommy's (probably already) broken heart. But it does happen. And now that I am a "vintage mama," I have the advantage of being able to look behind me with a little different perspective than when I was right in the middle of being a young mom, trying to "get it right."

Now, as an older mom with young children again, I've discovered a couple of things that I wish I had know back when I was struggling with trying to "measure up" to all the other "perfect" mamas I encountered all around me. If you are interested in this conversation, Sarah Mae has started a discussion here where you can share your thoughts on this subject. But for whatever it is worth, here are some things that I have learned from being a mama, from watching my children grow up, and now being a mama again:

1. You aren't perfect, so don't pretend. I'm not perfect, and pretending for all those years almost destroyed me.

2. Mamas make mistakes. The sooner you accept that truth, and teach it to your children, the healthier you all will be.

3. God forgives. The sooner you accept that truth, and teach it to your children, the healthier you all will be.

4. Guilt will break you. It will break your heart, it will break your spirit, and it will eventually destroy your health.

5. If we could be perfect, God would not have needed to send His Son the Lord Jesus Christ to die for our sins. He could have just told us to figure it out for ourselves, and then He could have done something else for all of eternity.

6. We ARE perfect, however, through the grace and forgiveness of God. The difference is that we are perfect positionally, not existentially. All that means is that in the physical, material world where we live right now, our human experience will defy all efforts to "get it right" all of the time . . . but that does not negate the reality of our position in Christ as being perfected because of His sacrifice.

7. If children are allowed to grow up believing that they are "special" (which of course they ARE!) without learning the correlating truth that everyone else is special, TOO, they will be deceived into thinking that everything in their life SHOULD be perfect . . . . . and if someone else (usually mommy) does not MAKE it perfect, then we can blame mommy for all of the bad things that happen in life.

8. As mamas, we are given the privilege and opportunity to train our children, protect them, and give them the "tools" that they need to be safe and successful in life. It is NOT our job to make them "like" us - if my four year old is "mad" at me because I tell him he cannot climb onto the roof and run around naked . . . . he'll get over it. But he might not get over a two-story fall into the rose bushes.

9. Your gifts are different from someone else's gifts. If you are a home schooling mom who runs a home business while writing the next best-selling Christian novel, sings and plays piano every  Sunday and writes music that moves the congregation to tears, has a perfectly tidy home and garden, and sews a gorgeous wardrobe for all of your 12 children . . . . . that is a good thing. But most of us are just regular moms, struggling to keep clean clothes on those little bodies and nutritious food in their mouths. All the rest is just . . . . well, the rest.

10. Finally, get over it. My mistakes and failures are NOT the main event. My failures not that important in the big scheme of history. I mess up every day . . . . I forgot to mail a birthday card to my son-in-law, I haven't bought a Mother's Day gift for Grandma yet, my kids ate Cheerios for supper last night, the flower gardens need to be weeded, and I STILL need to get the garden planted. If I get to it at all, this year. Fortunately I remembered to buy toilet paper before it ran out, and I did manage to mow the lawn. I'm normal, and so are you. Normal does not equal perfect. Write THAT on the back of your hand!

The bad news is that you aren't perfect, and neither am I. But the very Good News is that we don't have to be. Jesus paid the penalty for our sins, our every day mistakes, our failures and shortcomings. Own it, admit it, confess it, and get over it. God has. And if there are other people in your life who aren't ready to "get over it," well, I'm sad for them and I pray for them and I love them . . . but I'm done hauling around this great big load of guilt. So, I promise, I won't ever dump it on you. But, on the other hand, if you try to hand me a load of guilt, I'll just turn around and walk away. Because I believe that when God forgives, I'm not exactly the right person to question His gift.

Mommy wars . . . . why do we do this to each other and to ourselves? If you are striving to honor God in your daily life, and honest and sincere in seeking His wisdom and guidance, you will be doing EXACTLY what you should be doing today. And tomorrow. Don't let false guilt suck the soul right out of you.