Should I continue to pretend or tell the truth?

 "A sentence from Psalm 101 has been both challenging and convicting for me: 'I will walk in my house with blameless heart' (Psalm 101:2, NIV). When God speaks to me about being more loving, this verse reminds me to make application in my family first -- and then to others. It forces me to ask, 'Am I more spiritual, more loving, or more fun somewhere else? Who gets my best -- my family or others?"

~Jean Fleming from "A Mother's Heart: A Look at Values, Vision and Character for the Christian Mother"

This is a question that I have pondered over the years, and quite honestly, I have agonized over this idea of whether or not I am "fun" with my family. It is not uncommon in my weekly IOW posts to take a bit different approach to the given quote for our consideration. And this week I guess will be no different. But before I share my thoughts on this particular quote, let me explain some of the reasons that I don't always see things the way many regular Christian girls do. ;o)  I trust you will understand why I sometimes seem to come to our weekly task from "around the corner," or from a different slant than you will probably hear in your average Christian conversation.

Some of you know that I spent many, many years trying to figure out why MY home, MY family, MY marriage just didn't quite "measure up" to what I was observing around me in my church family. And so, when life in my little world was topsy-turvy and completely confusing, I assumed that it was because I was doing something I shouldn't be doing . . . . or not doing something that I should have been doing . . . . or I wasn't "nice" enough to my children, or I wasn't "fun" enough to keep up with the incessant demand in our home for "excitement," "adventure," and an every-increasing expectation that life should be "fun."

So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed . . . . for many, many years . . . . asking God to change me, to make me a "good" mommy, a better wife, a happier Christian. But no matter how much I prayed, or how much I determined to be "more spiritual, more loving, or more fun," I just never could quite reach that elusive goal. Every day, every week, every month, every year I struggled to understand how I could be so incapable of "getting it right." And every time I would hear one more sermon about how the mother is responsible for setting the "tone" in the home; she (apparently alone) is responsible to create a loving, nurturing, spiritual, happy home where her family is cheerfully growing in God's grace . . . . I would sink into an even deeper abyss of hopelessness.

Maybe it was because I didn't spend enough time in my daily devotions. Maybe it was because I had gained a few pounds from giving birth to four beautiful babies. Maybe it was because I believed that we should do things together as a family, and that idea was really annoying to those people who were my family at the time. Maybe it was because I worked so hard to be there for my children when they got home from school, to sit down and read with them, and then help them with their homework. My biggest failure in those days, however, was that I was continually pleading with my family to have dinner together, all at the same time, all at the same table. And I even expected that we should try to eat healthy foods, and treat each other with respect.

After years of being humiliated and criticized for trying to incorporate into our lives many of the principles that were being taught from the pulpit, from women's seminars, from Christian books, and from Christian radio programs . . . . . I just gave up. I quit. Because I couldn't understand why, in this family, all of those things that were being taught as "good" where condemned as preventing my family from having "fun." And of course, I failed. Miserably. Because after years of this, I really wasn't fun, or loving, or spiritual. I was broken and angry.

I recall one day, standing in my kitchen with a broom in hand (as I attempted to clean my house, which was also deemed "not fun" so I guess I had better just do it myself, and not EVER dare to ask for help), I was listening to a well-known Christian radio broadcast on the little radio I kept on the kitchen counter. When I heard the woman who was being interviewed claim that "a woman who does not create an atmosphere of joy, happiness, spirituality, and loving kindness in her home, really does not love her family and she does not love the Lord." I was done. The end. I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen and wept, begging God to tell me how I had failed so miserably. How could one woman, who so desperately wanted to honor God and raise her children to love the Lord, could be such a worthless example of Christian womanhood? What? What? What do you want me to do? I begged God to just show me what ELSE I could do. And the answer was silence.

Because, I discovered later, there was no way that I could overcome the powerful influence that had convinced my children that mommies are supposed to be "nice" and "fun" and NEVER, EVER address their children's behavior. A good mommy is just supposed to smile and say "Isn't that nice"  ;o) no matter what her children or husband say or do to her. I learned that lesson very well! And for years, the silent smiles of pretense hid the growing rage that burned within my heart. Until, one day, it was just over. It was just over.

Now I know that not only must a mother be spiritual, loving, and kind, it is simply not possible for a mother to be "fun" at all cost. I am not my children's best friend, I am their mother. And sometimes that means being the boss, making decisions that may not be popular, and teaching my children to do the right thing. Even when they don't want to. That is the life lesson that all of this taught me: just do the right thing. Even if no one around you recognizes it, appreciates it, or even if they try to destroy you because of it. Do the right thing.

Now, when I am seeking God's guidance, I know that He will lead me if I just do the next thing in front of me. Step by step He will show me the path, and in the absence of a dysfunctional environment I have discovered that it is not that difficult to be spiritual, loving, and yes, even "fun." Because I am now free to be what a truly "good" mommy ought to be . . . . the mother of my children, not the convenient place to dump the guilt and blame for everything that isn't "perfect" in the world. I have learned that all the "junk" in the world is not because I wasn't "fun" enough. It is a result of sin, and every one of us needs to deal with the sin in our lives through the grace of God and by seeking His forgiveness.

So . . . . I've revealed a great deal about my own life in this post. That is because of another lesson I've learned while stumbling through the fires of failure: Talking about the problem is NOT the problem - THE PROBLEM is the problem. And if we never talk about it, we can never sort it out and solve it. But now you perhaps have a better idea of why my posts tend to push the edges a  bit. I hope you do not take offense, and I apologize if you do, but trust me on this one . . . . pretense and silence never fix anything. In my life now, I am safe and loved, and free to be the kind of mommy that I always wanted to be. God is truly good!

Please visit our hostess this week, Loni at Writing Canvas, where you will find links to the other IOW participants for this week. Then, leave your link so we can visit you!

Comments

[Loni]

Oooohhhhh, I wish I could give you a real hug . . . thank you for sharing your heart. I appreciate the side you took, because I have a dear close friend going through the same thing, and "she" has tried thru the years. God knows your heart . . . and I am so thankful His mercies are new every morning. Love you dear Nina . . . thank you.

[Nina Newton]

Loni, I knew you would still love me ;o) Thanks for your gentle and generous words of encouragement. I just pray that by finally opening the door just a bit, that God will use my words to help other women to know that they are not alone if they are struggling in this kind of situation. Blessings my sweet friend! ~~ n

[Nicole Kelso]

Oh, Nina, honey! I love, love, love, love your perspective on this b/c for the longest time that was me too! It's like you were speaking right to my heart!

"Now I know that not only must a mother be spiritual, loving, and kind, it is simply not possible for a mother to be "fun" at all cost. I am not my children's best friend, I am their mother. And sometimes that means being the boss, making decisions that may not be popular, and teaching my children to do the right thing. Even when they don't want to. That is the life lesson that all of this taught me: just do the right thing. Even if no one around you recognizes it, appreciates it, or even if they try to destroy you because of it. Do the right thing."

So what they my home isn't perfectly clean all the time and there are dishes in the sink from yesterday! We've been just a bit preoccupied with everything that's been going on in the past couple weeks. So what that I have some piles of laundry that need to be folded and put away but chose to read with my 8 year old daughter at her bedtime instead and have an extra few minuts of snuggling with my 5 month old son after my miscarriage on Mother's Day! I needed the closeness and comfort that my living children provided me. And those memories are the ones I want to treasure and for them to carry with them as they grow into adulthood. "Mom may not have always had the perfect house and we may not have always had a home cooked dinner and our clothes may have been a little wrinkled on occasion - but clean, but she helped us with homework and spent time with us before bed, reading Bible stories and praying with us and singing us to sleep".

And I know that my teaching is taking. I'm my children's friend but I am their MOTHER first. One of my daughter's teachers (the librarian who's also the art teacher) told me at the beginning of the year that each year Emily has always been the one child to not follow along in doing the "wrong" things and has been the one child to tell others, "What you're doing is wrong and God wouldn't like it so you need to stop."

I'd rather leave that kind of legacy with my family, my children, than that of a "perfect house" and "perfect life" even though mommy was too tired emotionally or physically to really do anything with us.

Thank you for being so honest and real in your post today! :-)

[Janet]

Isn't it weird how as wives and mothers we fall victim to this. Almost like it's a prey tactic. I am certainly no June Cleaver, by any stretch of the imagination. My oldest is 14. I'm certain she thinks I'm a tool of the enemy. ;o) But I'm okay with that because it means I know my value and worth is in God and His eyes of me- not hers, her friends, etc.

I'm glad you were brave and courageous enough to share this. Many women struggle at some time in their life with some percentage of this falsehood. You will breakdown some barriers for them, I am certain!

[Claudia]

Nina, I didn't get married until I was 40, and did not have children of my own. I often tell people, kind of tongue-in-cheek, that I would not have been a "fun" mom, but it's true. I do not have the perspective of one who was in your shoes, but I do know that I would not have been the mom on the block that all the neighborhood kids wanted to hang around.

I hear your joy, though, in knowing that doing the right thing in raising your kids is not always "fun," but that it honors God, and that's what's most important.

Thanks for sharing your heart.

[Nina Newton]

Thanks Nicole for your thoughtful comments. It really does mean a lot to me when someone seems to "get it" whether they've actually been in a similar situation or not. Your kindness is truly appreciated. Looking forward to getting to know you better over the coming weeks and months ;o) Nina

[Nina Newton]

Thank you Janet for your kind words. The one thing that I would pray is that God would use my experiences to encourage even one other woman to have the courage to seek the support of others . . . . because this is truly a difficult road to travel all alone. The one thing that comes to my mind in response to your comment about your 14 year old is that (and I wish I had known this many years ago) teenage angst is rarely really about their parents at all. Don't take it personal ;o) we need to remember just to be the mom, and try not to accept all the "junk" that comes our way while raising our children. We just need to love them! Hugs, Nina

[Nina Newton]

Hi Claudia and thanks for stopping by my blog! Well, as it turns out I was the mom where the other kids wanted to hang out, but I had been convinced that my primary purpose in life was to entertain my children. So that was going way too far in the direction of "fun." Just wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out some of this stuff ;o) Thank you for your kindness and gentle response. You can never know how much I treasure the gift of gracious words. Hugs, Nina

[Missie]

I so so so so, dare I say it again, so needed to hear this. Tonight itself i was sitting in the bathtub crying, asking why I always seemed to do to the wrong things, why my husband chose to play a video game instead of hanging out with me. No matter how hard I try at work mistakes seem to slip in. I just tend to let myself try to make everyone around me happy and forget the One who made me and his words.
Thank you dear, He is working in both of us!

[littlewomen21]

I think it is wonderful when someone goes the extra length to share difficulties and confusions they have dealt with. How you learned that if you do the right thing first, then sometimes God blesses with fun, but mostly he blesses your obedience.

Me on the other hand, I think I'm too hard on my kids sometimes, always correcting them instead of letting some of the minor things go. Or rather, correcting with the right ATTITUDE. I tend to snap and growl, but with the right attitude I can correct and even administor punishment calmly - what a huge difference that makes. Then I am relying on God's authority instead of my own loud voice to get the point across.

[Janette@Janette's Sage]

All I can say is Amen and Amen. As a mother of four grown children, who many times didn't feel I was fun, I too have learned this lesson. I am also seeing God remind me that we live in a sinful world and all our sins are sins! I am responsible for mine and my family for theirs...there is freedom there.

Thanks for sharing...I too was blessed.

I also left a comment on the Mommy Wars...somehow I don't think it went through...enjoyed that also.....so agree......loved Number 9!!!

Blessings,
Janette