The World's Best Hypocrite

  

For many years I suspected that this was true . . . . . that if I was really, truly honest about what was going on in my life, that I would be an "outcast" from my church community.  If they only knew what I was hiding behind that beautiful, plastic smile.  If they could just see inside, for just a peek, at the pain that I carried in my heart, they certainly would not want to bother being my "friend."  And so, in fear that I would be abandoned, I carried on stoically.  Pretending to be what I had hoped and prayed I could be.  I could speak all the right words, sing all the right songs, give all the right answers to any question that might come up about Christianity. 

I even returned to Bible college at the age of 35 to see if I could figure out why we all SAID one thing but seemed so often to DO things that were completely opposite of what I heard coming from the mouths of the church leaders.  "What's up with this?" I wondered for many years.  And then, assuming that it must be ME who was wrong, who was confused (well, yes I really was very confused!),  believing that it was MY problem, I just gave up and decided to play along.  That would certainly be easier, I thought, than trying to be honest.  And so I became "The World's Best Hypocrite."  But please know, I only did that because I was afraid.  In order to avoid the pain of honesty and the agony of abandonment, I pretended.  But in the end . . . . it very nearly destroyed me. 

And finally, after many years, when I was broken and bleeding and I could no longer manage to stumble down the path of pretense any longer, I just quit.  I just quit . . . . everything.  And you know what?  I was right.  All of the things that I was terrified of for so many years, came true.  When my "Christian friends" discovered that I had been living a lie that had almost destroyed me, their first reaction was to blame . . . . ME!  At that moment, and for many years since my "Year of Brokenness," truth has not mattered one bit.  It was so much easier to believe lies (because they usually DO make a much more interesting story!) than to hear the cries of my heart, pleading with them to listen, please listen, to the truth.  But you and I both know that you can a lie for a hundred years, and it will never turn into the truth. 

And so I learned a very hard lesson:  it is sometimes much safer to pretend.  "Plastic" people cannot be hurt.  Just like those little plastic toy people, you can throw them into a corner and they still smile.  You can step on them, whack them with a hammer, drown them in the bath tub (I know because I've seen my kids do it!) and they won't bleed.  But (now I am truly telling you the truth) REAL people do bleed and weep, and we often times still feel very vulnerable to judgment, condemnation, criticism, and rejection if we are honest.  So my advice . . . . . don't be too quick to drop the "stained glass masquerade," until you are very, very sure it is safe to do so.  I'm so grateful that God doesn't treat me like that. 

PS I realize that my posts are frequently controversial and sometimes pretty close to the edge.  I apologize if that makes any of my readers uncomfortable.  But I've lived long enough to know that everything in life, and in the church, isn't perfect and that's OK.  Because if I ever found a church that was perfect, I'd mess things up just by walking in the door! 

Thanks to Loni for the graphic at the top of my post (she does such great work that I can't figure out!).  And if you want to read the posts by the other IOW participants this week, visit Loni at Writing Canvas.  Leave a link there and a comment here, and I'll pop 'round for a visit later tonight!  

Comments

[Claudia]

Sadly, not every place is a safe place and not every person is a safe person. You are so right. When we are hurting, it is so important to be sure that our vulnerability is in the hands of someone who is safe, who will encourage us, and build us up. Those people are out there, but not everyone is safe.

[Michelle Bentham]

The lesson I receive here is that I need to be a "SAFE PERSON" to others who come to confide in me.

Keeping my heart pure before the Lord and remembering the love and the mercy He's given to me helps me to treat them with honor.

I recently learned that in the New Testament the term "honor" means to give to someone who lacks out of what I have. In other words to balance the scales. It is a judicial term that indicates the one with more brings justice when the offer out of their wealth to those who lack.

I think you have hit on something here. It has become a plague in our church. Who are we really... And do they really care? It is to painful for the bruised and broken to consider reaching out if they are only shunned, shut out and turned away because their stories are too painful for our delicate palette. Oh Lord, show me the way. Thank you for the clarity you are bringing to a difficult subject in the church.

[Loni]

Thanks you SO much Nina, for sharing. Love how you stated about the Little People being kicked about, yet still are smiling. Yup, that's the way we tend to be at times. I am thankful you shared - and NO it was not controversial! It's what we need to do to break through barriers and increase our walk with Jesus. SO glad you shared. Hugs, Nina! Loni