I am beginning to realize that there are so many ways that most of us need to be healed. Even when we do not have any obvious physical symptoms of illness, our hearts and souls can be wounded, bleeding, and finally completely broken. I know that all of this seems pretty simple, nothing profound in this observation. But so often we are deceived by not only the "put together" outward appearance of everyone around us, including in our churches, but by our own ability to "hide" behind that mask of perfection. I read a post the other day about the struggle that many Christians have with the notion of "transparency." That really got me thinking about my own experience recently, being physically broken. It also made me remember many years of expending so much emotional and spiritual energy in my efforts to "convince" myself and those around me that all was well. And it wasn't.
So, as I continue to try to move beyond the frustration and discouragement of not being physically healthy for the past month, I am suddenly very much aware of how fragile my spiritual health is, as well. Perhaps that is because I have had more time to stop (required when too weak to walk!) and think about what I am doing here. And the question I continue to struggle with is, "What the heck am I supposed to be doing here, anyway????"
Now, I know that lots of people wonder that about their own life on occasion, too. But I'm really starting to feel like I need to figure this out! There are so many things that seem to be screaming at me, "Over here!" and "Come this way!" and "Do this! Do this!" So I feel like I'm spending so much of my time running this way and then that way, never really sensing that THIS is the right thing I should be investing my time, my life, and my soul into. Could this be a midlife crisis??? Or is it simply a hormonal roller coaster, like when I was in Jr. High School?
Well, who knows . . . . and I guess the only way I'll figure it out is to follow one of those little winding paths along the way (oh, how I wish there was only one pathway, and it had a BIG red arrow from God, pointing THE right way for me!) So, today we do the regular "catch up from being sick" stuff again. And then maybe there will be a bit of time and energy to create something. I have so many projects . . . . writing, designing, sewing, painting. Where to start first? Anyone else ever feel this way?